Go Back to Work or Stay at Home...No Easy Answers

There's never a perfect scenario no matter how good anyone's situation may appear from the outside. We have nothing to complain about in our house - Charlie is home with me every day and Jose makes a stable living so we are able to break even monthly when on budget.  I think in my mind that I'd always thought I'd be back to work when he was 6 months old. Now what goes through my mind is "he's so little" and "what about our bottle conundrum". "Where the heck am I going to find a job?" (as I'm watching all the teachers get pink slipped) "do I even want to teach again with the crazy English grading?".  The fact of the matter is that I don't want to go back to work right now because in my heart I believe no one (except Jose) can do as good of a job with Charlie as his own Mama. This doesn't mean that I don't long to have a lunch break with co-workers where we have adult conversations that DON'T include topics such as diaper blow-outs, best butt creams, and sleep problems. I long to wear nice work clothes (as I can't justify buying nice new clothes for my dairy-free size without new income) and have time where there is no grumbling/crying/incesscent fake coughing.

But even as I type I get sad thinking about missing his daily growth. I get sad thinking about the fact that we spent the first 2 months not knowing about his dairy allergy and being, quite frankly, miserable. (I know tons of new parents who are miserable in the 1st 3 months anyway, so you don't need to email me). If we don't have a baby #2 I will really miss him being this tiny - heck I'll miss it either way.

What I do know is quality day care here is $1870/month and it's hard to swallow half your pay check going to someone else to watch your baby.

But not going back to work means no spending money and not getting any closer to house than we are right now. This week I thought we were close to getting an apartment manager position which would cut our current $1,950/mo rent to $0 monthly and would have been great to actually stay home and save money, who's ever heard of that? Unfortunately the hiring person told me at the last minute they selected another applicant and yeah, I'm bummed. I've tried to be creative with what I could do while home with the little guy: applying to apt mgr jobs, offering part time in home day-care (slightly crazy I know but I figure I could do 1-2 days/week), tutoring (but Jose's schedule can't commit to be home certain nights of the week due to travel and after paying a sitter I'd only make $10/session) etc. etc. Perhaps I'm living on pluto (which apparently doesn't exist) to think that I could find a happy medium - staying with Charlie and contributing financially to our household. 

Despite all the headlines in my brain, life on pluto is good. 73 degrees outside today and Charlie and I went to have lunch at Dad's office. Though there is always a parade going in and out of the office; (most of the people don't have kids and find Charlie fascinating) Jose, Charlie and I and a quiet lunch in the sunshine in the courtyard.  I know it sounds super simple, but it made my heart so happy to have 30 mins with my boys in the beautiful weather.