Sage Advice

On thursday I went to the mom's club meeting where we had a guest speaker, Dr. Joshua Coleman. If the name sounds familiar it's because he has published several books on staying happy in a marriage with children and is considered an international expert. (Not to mention appearances on the "Today Show" etc.)  I was curious as to what this psychologist had to say being a once divorced father turned married (to another psychologist :-) and having twins via IVF.  I had read one of his articles entitled "When a Family Man Thinks Twice" .  It was the title that lured me in, though it wasn't the content I expected, it was about when a married man starts to consider divorce. While the style is not what I consider reader-friendly the message is powerful and it struck many images in my heart of what it must have been like for my own father, at times, as a divorced dad. So I was hooked.

I often feel that it's PERSPECTIVE that often determines happiness....it never hurts to have a few more tools in the toolbox to tune up a healthy perspective.

Prior to the start of the meeting I was expecting somebody who was a shoomzer a local Dr. Phil if you will. Dr. Coleman seemed shy until it was actually time for him to speak at which time he took over with great humility and a tiny spark of humor.  He spoke from his own experience which I found powerful as few psychologists are willing to do. He cited a lot of research but broke it down to chunk size bites so even my audience neighbors were nodding along despite the fact that they had no Psych background.  A lot of what he had to say is stuff you've heard time and time again but here are some things that I think are worth posting and giving more thought to:

(1) 70% of couples experience less satisfaction/struggle to some degree with what they anticipated marriage would be vs. what it actually is once married.  He says many couples need to "grieve" the idea of the perfect fairy tale and have to let go of the idea that they need to be loved/taken care of/nurtured needs every moment etc etc.  He says couples need to accept that it's not going to be all that jazz - and that you may not be as happy as you thought all the time.

I wish more people were honest about this - it would make the first year of marriage that much easier for a lot of couples!

(2) 3 stages of love

(a) Infatuation - falling in love, getting married, the "highs" etc.

(b) Dissolusionment - typically where most people get divorced, under 2 years. The larger the % of contempt/disgust for your partner is the biggest predictor of divorce.

(c) Mature Love - typically when partners can acknowledge their own vulnerabilities and take responsibility for their own crap/imperfections...that's when your marriage is in a "good place" according to Coleman :-)

He says that the idea of "soulmates" those couples that everyone has witnessed at some point or another - those that make it seem effortless are actually the couples who are doing the work behind the scenes.

3. How to make it work?

-take responsibility for your own crap without becoming defensive.

-5 good comments/interactions for every negative one. Coleman says that "soul mates" DO fight and often fight passionately but that does not define their relationship.

-60% of a couple's fights/regular diagreements will never be solved - managing these issues with respect for each other.

-he suggests that you give praise for all the things your spouse is doing right and ignore the little things.

-"conversations typically end the way that they begin.  If you're going to raise a touchy subject, do it when the two of you are feeling calm and ideally, close. "  Something for me to work on as I usually feel the need to "solve" things "right now".

4. Having a baby

- puts a sharp decline in marriage satisfaction rates for 90% of couples until the child enters grade school and it continues to go up very gradually until the child leaves for college when it typically matches the level of "pre-baby" again. (YIKES! LoL :-)

-increases the amount of housework 7 fold with the birth of the first child.

Advice from Ashton Kutcher in the news on this very subject:

I am so fortunate to be married to my best friend and together have a beautiful baby boy...though they can both be a pain in the ass...my life is beautiful because of them.